This article appears in Volume 5 – Issue 3 of SKUNK Magazine.
OUT THERE in the world of stonerland, we’re sure that many of you have entertained the notion when going down on your lover, “if only there were a carb and a bowl attached to this thing AND I could watch the Superbowl at the same time, then I could REALLY get it on.” Please don’t tell us that you’ve actually attempted such a modification and how you just couldn’t stop the bleeding to save your life. We mean it, really, DON’T. Because for the past 12 years, California-based wood sculptor and artist Billy Pacak has rendered such ill-advised attempts to fuse your favorite body part with your favorite smokable substance obsolete with his custom-made dick and pussy pipes. Whether one embraces them as cleverly designed pot pipes, impressively designed fetish objects or unique pieces of erotic art, Pacak’s creations have won him acceptance amongst potheads and art collectors alike. Moreover, it just may prevent one more desperate stoner from taking matters into their own hands.
Amusing Anecdote #1 or How Using a Pussy Pipe Can Get You a Pass from the TSA:
“A friend of mine, I gave her a pipe for her birthday one year. [It was] a pussy pipe, and she used it a lot. She eventually decided she was going to go on a yearlong tour around the world and she started off in SF and she was going into the Oakland Airport. She totally forgot about the pipe in her purse and so she was about to board an international flight, the guy was going through her purse, pulls it out and looks at it, [he] totally knows what it is. But he knows that it’s a pipe, but he’s just looking at the craftsmanship of it and he slips it right back in and says, ‘Enjoy your flight.’ And she got off scot-free with that pipe.”
As a sculptor, Billy Pacak has always harbored a special affinity for wood, morning or otherwise. “Wood is the only sculptural material that was once alive. You hold a piece of wood and it feels good in your hand. It doesn’t feel dead,” he declares. About 12 years ago, during a period when his woodcarving skills improved drastically, Pacak explored the folds and creases of flowers and began to notice, like many others before him, an uncanny resemblance between these flowers and… something else. “I said, ‘Oh, these look very Georgia O’Keefe-ish,’” he recalls. “[So] I just started making vulvas. And then I realized that this is something that’s a little bit more special than most sculptures.”
Not to mention a great deal more provocative. Pacak jokes, “The whole erotic pipe concept kind of came up as an [answer to the question], ‘What’s the thing I could make that would exclude me from the most amount of arenas of showing it?’” Since the pipes are considered drug paraphernalia, he can’t sell them on eBay (although he does enjoy steady business on the crafts site Etsy) and many contests disqualify them for being too graphic. Nevertheless, Pacak knows the drill when it comes to Erotic Art – a sculpture he completed of Adam and Eve made the Erotic Signature coffee table tome “World’s Greatest Erotic Art Of Today” – and continues to hone his craft. He maintains, “I wanted to make something that is so beautiful that it overcomes all these [obstacles], and just the fact that it can give people a very special experience when they’re using it. There’s so many levels to it that it seemed like I gotta keep doing it.”
Just so you know, Pacak doesn’t stain or paint his wood in any way. So the lifelike flesh tones in his pipes are derived from the natural color of pink ivory, the only pink (yet admittedly not very purplish and veiny) wood found in nature. But of course, Pacak has to model the pipes after SOMETHING. Traditionally, for guidance on the female anatomy, Pacak has turned to porn, while for the penises, Pacak usually references his own. Pacak acknowledges that the market for the penises has been exclusively gay men, while women and men veer towards the vulvas. Since Bill is married nowadays, it’s all the same to him, but he does work on commission as well, which means he can make a lifelike pipe out of YOUR cherished dick or pussy, too. “It really does blow people away whenever a woman can pull out a pipe and share it with somebody and they recognize what it is and she goes, ‘It’s mine!’” Pacak reports. “It becomes something very special whenever you’re sharing it or somebody’s giving [it to] you.”
Amusing Anecdote #2 or Every Man’s Dream:
“The first one I made, which [was] a replica [of my dick], I gave to a girlfriend. And we broke up but remained friends, and one night, she asked me if I wanted to come over for her – her girlfriends were gonna do some sort of creative night. I had a piece I could work on over there [at her place], so I said, ‘Sure, I’ll come over.’ She was bisexual and she had a lot of lesbian girlfriends, so I go over there and there’s about 10 women sitting around her living room and there’s my cock right in the center. It was like walking into the room totally clothed but feeling completely naked, because I had this piece of myself. It was kind of freeing, in a way.”
To this day, Pacak smokes out of one of the very first pussy pipes he ever made. Yet according to Pacak, most people choose not to use them at all for their intended function. Wood burns, after all, which would damage the goods, and some people would rather not go there. That’s perfectly fine for Pacak as long as the customer is happy. “I wanna make them so incredibly beautiful that you wouldn’t want to harm them,” says Pacak. “You wouldn’t want to take their virginity, especially if it’s a commissioned piece.”
Pacak continues to keep busy with non-pipe related projects as well. In addition to the Adam and Eve sculpture, Pacak also posts newer large-scale sculptures, such as the intriguingly named “Dog Dick Horns,” on his website wapsculture.com and also keeps busy with construction projects at his home in Venice, CA. Once the sole province of friends and neighbors, Pacak’s pipes have spread through the internet, mainly to Philadelphia and New York, which have developed into strong markets for Pacak. Pacak has yet to market a version of a celebrity’s privates, but he’s certainly up for the challenge: “I don’t know if I could, if I can actually sell something else in somebody’s likeness without getting their approval first. So I’d have to investigate that. But as far as a piece of art goes, I’m sure I can.”
Sadly, Bill’s pipes can’t be copulated with at this time. But Bill can proudly accredit his pipes for the inauguration of countless raunchfests. “[People don’t] use them in a sexual way, but [on] a special night, they’ll be like, ‘Okay, well, let’s break out the pussy pipe tonight.’” Either case, whether it’s for setting the mood or impressing your friends, they certainly beat your homemade PVC bong to hell.